A few months ago, maybe in April, I took my first spin class. 

Lifechanging? Probably not. Impactful? Certainly. There were few physical activities this year that made me feel completely useless. One was snowboarding. The second was hiking uphill for hours carrying 40 pounds on my back. The third was spin class. Okay, fine, the fourth was probably breaking my own heart.

Now, I struggle with recovery. I referenced a quote from Ana Forrest’s Fierce Medicine:

“I’d believed that in order to do what I was afraid of, I had to get rid of the fear first, but that turned out to be only an idea, not the truth. You have to do something two hundred times before the fear will disperse. Are you still afraid of something? Just do it again. Do it again. Do it again.”

For as long as I can remember, I don’t think I have ever just stopped being active for a period of time. Now it’s a mental battle. Lacing up my shoes. Picking out smaller weights. Facing the way my muscles shake, even at 1/2 the weight I was using just two months ago. Dealing with how my breath seems like it wants to quit just 15 minutes into something. The flexibility I’ve lost. The strength I need to gain. The yoga poses I can’t hold for as long.

Things that were easy then, now feel like war.

I intend to fight it.

My doctor talks about professional athletes. The slow progress they make. Basketball players jogging slowly across the court. Then around it. Then playing horse. Then pickup games. Practice. More practice. Are you scared? Do it again.

I feel my fear building, about how weak I feel.

I am stalking my fear. 

My fear of failing, my fear of love, my fear of pain, my fear of being injured. My fear of the unknown.

Let’s go hunting.

PS- a favorite lyric from Bjork:

if travel is searching
and home what’s been found
i’m not stopping

i’m going hunting

Leave a Reply