I had a dream last night about the conversation we found in our kisses.
It was always furious,

furious with both restraint and abandon.
at times furious with guilt,
careless. hopeful and hopeless
too many contradictions

my dreams about you are like that, a mess of confusion.
I was always furious that it wasn’t my lips that you kissed first. I felt like that meant you didn’t kiss me because you wanted to kiss me, you kissed me because you wanted my body.

anyway. speaking of contradictions:

“One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.”
– Sigmund Freud

“The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed.”
– Ernest Hemingway

“I want to be like water. I want to slip through fingers, but hold up a ship.”
– Michelle Williams in an interview with Elle, in which she confesses her obsession with water. I suppose this is part of why I am obsessed with water, too- the malleability, the stability, the way it allows you to pass through, but also the resistance it creates… Before I injured my knees, I had started swimming again. Just a little bit. I hadn’t swum laps in, well, maybe decades. It winded me, for sure, but after I practiced for a while I loved it. I admitted to a friend the other day that it was the best thing I took up again, because unlike running, the more you do it, the calmer you feel, and the more you feel like continuing, even if you are tired. With running, I just feel like collapsing after a while. Water holds me up. Anchors me, yet gives me freedom.

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