Wednesday, May 9th, 2007
8:53 pm – i know how he felt
in a city that doesn’t belong to me anymore, in a bed that isn’t mine, there are the not-so-fleeting moments that i remember how it feels to be away from you. your absence has the consistency of tango rhythms and the texture of constellations. the wind will change again, and i’ll see you clearly again. the tides will turn and the sun won’t feel so hot, and the piano will sing again. i like my moonlight sonata, on the rocks. just let me cry a little while it plays, and i’ll be okay.
i think about the way my arms pooled around your ankles, like discarded pants. it is impossible to forget the way your hands pressed against my shoulders as you held me away from you, and how the blue hood of your sweater rimmed your cheeks. you only think about how much sleep you’re losing while in the midst of breaking my heart.
you are so gentle with the cultivation of desperation that shadows me in my dreams. careful not to let me feel more than i am, but so forceful to make me feel less than i’ve ever felt. a girl throws away friendships for you, and you just look away.
but aren’t we the leftovers of our own dreams?
aren’t these the moments we should spend reveling in life, and color, and words, and young love, and drumbeats, and footsteps? not video game controllers, not dollar patrons or burning martinis? i remember your fingers lacing across my thighs. i get drunk off of touch. i could care less about alcohol.
you are fearless, he said, watching me throw my body against the little sailboat. it was raining.
yes i am. i said, while thinking about you. yes, i am.